I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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