yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize