we have officially lost it.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
