did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
