then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
