someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
