So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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