his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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