she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
