If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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