Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize