i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My cat gives me a boner
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
