o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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