you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
