You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
