Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
MIDGETS
????
Randomize
