I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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