I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Is Oprah even human
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
