Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
