i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
