I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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