There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Swine flu is the new snow day.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
