sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
