my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
