so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
