I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
