and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
