it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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