if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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