Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
