so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
