The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
