he told me I talked like a deaf person
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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