all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Michael Bay diarrhea
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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