Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
