seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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