My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
