Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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