after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
