Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
