Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
