my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
