Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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