just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
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