based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
