I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I want to be your penis for a week.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
