You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
