the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
