so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
