I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
