just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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