Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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