Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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